This is a rare moment of serenity in a month that has seen me dashing around the UK like a crazed fool building up a new show to take to the Edinburgh Fringe in 2 weeks time. In the past month I have been back to clubs I haven’t been to since my early days in stand up, it’s all a bit ‘bizarre’. In one of them I was shocked to see an old publicity photo of me up on the wall in the green room. I looked about 12! Oh, hang on? I am 12. Hey, this isn’t a green room, who are you old man? And where’s the other comics? For the best part, it has been an enjoyable journey back to my old comedy haunts. I have bumped into a few old comedy friends along the way, and swapped a few stories about the past. Although you have to tread carefully sometimes. I said to one such comic ‘God, I remember doing this gig with you years ago, when you used to open with that really lame joke about someone famous you looked a bit like….(long silence)…oh, you still do that, don’t you? Are they even still alive?’

I will be in Edinburgh for the whole of August in a venue that is way to big for me, but it is a  stunning old building belonging to the University of Edinburgh and as you probably know about me by now, I love old buildings. The older the better in fact. My dream gig would be in the Colosseum in Rome, but will they return my emails? I even have the show title ‘Danny Bhoy – Lend Me Your Ears’ and I was gonna film it, so you could get a box set of me at both the Athenaeum and the Colosseum! Actually, that’s just given me a great idea for a show, ‘Danny Bhoy Wonders…’ A show where I do a gig at the sites of the 7 Wonders of The World. Oh yeah, I like that. What are they again?

The Taj Mahal – Tricky acoustics, but doable.

The Great Wall of China – Er, might need to put on a 2-for1 offer.

The Pyramids – I could call the show ‘That Giza from Scotland’ No?

The Grand Canyon – Would need a good GPS to find the gig, but plenty of room to put out extra chairs.

I can’t remember the others? Anyway, my venue in Edinburgh is called McEwan Hall. It could be a bit risky, because it’s never been used for a comedy show before, but at a festival where people put on shows in anything from disused cellars to the back of their car’s (yes, really), it’s a relatively small gamble.

Now a quick paragraph about bad people. A year ago I signed a contract with some bad people who, it transpires, now have the rights to distribute a DVD I filmed specifically for North America, everywhere else in the World without my authority. It’s enormously frustrating and personally embarrassing because the show I filmed was a ‘best of’ performance from my last 2 Australian DVD’s. So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not buy my ‘Subject To Change’ DVD when it is released in Australia/New Zealand later this year. I am so sorry I can’t prevent this happening, but I don’t wan’t you to spend money on something you already have, and despite my best efforts the bad people are not going to advertise it as such. Bad people. Bad, bad American people. And on a similar note, my life advice to all of you youngsters out there, is no matter what you plan to do with your life, study law. I will probably film my new show (Live at The Colosseum?) and release it sometime next year, so please wait for that. I am currently putting together a big tour for Australia/New Zealand in the first half of 2011, so hopefully I will be able to get dates up on my website for that soon.

So, there is my news for July. I will send an update in August of how things are going in Edinburgh and if there is anything I have seen which I recommend. Initially, here are a few comedians you may not be aware of, that I would strongly recommend you see if you are at the Fringe:

Andy Zaltzman – One of my best friends, and also one of the finest comic minds in the country. What he cannot give you his opinion on, is really not worth knowing.

Tim Key – I saw him die on his arse in Kilkenny recently. Go and see why that death is both inexplicable and total understandable. It’s been a while since a comic made me laugh like this.

Tim Vine – In amongst the sea of trendier-than-thou comedians, Tim will give you an hour of top quality one-liners. If you don’t like a good pun then..well, you are dead inside.

Alun Cochrane – Saw him recently. People say really good stand ups make you feel like you are being told a story by the funniest guy down the pub. That’s how you feel with Cochrane.

Dan Antapolski – I haven’t seen Dan for a few years, but he has always been one of the most inventive comics at the Fringe, and he is always on my ‘must see’ list when I get there.

Lewis Schaffer – This man should be playing in front of 3000 people in Carnegie Hall, but instead he will be struggling for numbers in a small venue in edinburgh. I think he is as good as any american comic I have seen, and far more real.

Stephen Carlin – Funny and Scottish. I hate him.

Talk soon,

Danny

When I was a kid I used to envy people with jet lag, just like before I was 18, I used to think it must be ‘cool’ to have a hangover. After all, jet lag had the word ‘jet’ in it and that was only ever an exciting word when I was a child. An uncle would fly in from LA and say he was feeling ‘a little jet lagged’ and I would jealously retort ‘Ohhhh! I want to feel jet lagged.’ And then he would tuck into the whiskey to help him sleep and would wake up complaining of ‘a hangover’, and I would think ‘jet lag? And a hangover? It’s just not fair!’ Well, needless to say, both those ailments have taken on a less appealing form in my adult life. I have now been back in Edinburgh for the past 48 hours and the jet lag that has kept me awake until 5am every night feels anything but ‘cool’. That said, everything else about returning home has been positively blissful. For some extraordinary reason, Scotland has experienced a freakishly good weekend of weather with temperatures hitting highs of 25 degrees (stop laughing LA!). I have spent the few hours I have woken up in time to enjoy, wandering around the old town hearing people in doorways whisper rumours of a possible ‘Scottish summer?’ in the manner of people discussing another possible Jacobite uprising. Well, we shall just have to wait and see? I have put my faith, and my tennis club membership, in a Scottish summer far too many times in the past and have been bitterly let down. I have also twice backed a Jacobite Uprising that came to little more than a reading in the town square but that’s another story.

After more postponements than a hang gliding competition in Reykjavik, my Comedy Central Special finally aired last night in the US. I wasn’t there to see it of course, but I was delighted by all the messages and postings that I received throughout the night from people all over the US who seemed to have enjoyed it and gave me something nice to read while I couldn’t sleep. I’ve just had an email in fact saying the DVD ‘Subject To Change’ is number 1 for comedy on Amazon which sounds like it must be a good thing but also a lie? Anyway, thanks to everyone for their support (maybe we haven’t heard the end of my American career, after all?…Hello? Hello?..Yes, I can hold.) Without this turning into one of those long winded acceptances speeches, there are some other people I really need to thank this month, well, an entire nation in fact. I have just come back from my first solo tour across Canada, and I was gobsmacked by the number of people who came out to the shows. From Glace Bay across to Vancouver I had some of the best shows I can remember and met some remarkable people. I said it on ‘The Hour’ with George Popanaffleopogus, and I will say it again, ‘Canadian audiences are some of my favourite in the World.’ I should also clear up another thing I said on The Hour, which was that ‘Canadian’s love to travel, mind you if you lived in Winnipeg, you would want to travel!’ This was an oversight on my behalf, I really like Winnipeg, and I now realize I should have said somewhere else instead (like, Red Deer. But not Red Deer!) So, thank you Canada for your incredible support, and I hope we can do it all over again next year sometime…

So, on to other news. I have a whole load of dates to unleash on the UK. I will get these up along with this blog, or shortly after. At the moment, it looks like I will have a few preview dates in July, then the Edinburgh Fringe throughout August, then a tour of the UK in September and the first half of October. If you live anywhere near where I am coming, then it would be lovely to see you, but don’t go out of your way. There was a very nice couple I met in Edmonton who had travelled 5 and 1/2 hours to see the show which just put far too much pressure on the ‘meet and greet’ afterwards. And if you are that couple, I am so sorry I called you ‘mental’ I meant to say ‘special’ (but in a nice way). The World Cup is less than 3 weeks away, and we can all be grateful for that. I cannot wait, and I will be supporting my adopted country of Australia all the way to the final, and my other adopted country of New Zealand all the way to.. the second round.(let’s be realistic). The Tories got back into power in the UK, which is a little troubling, but best not to think about that now. It is summer and the birds are whistling merrily in the volcanic ash covered trees. Let’s hold hands and rejoice, but can we do it later? I’m still a little jet lagged and I really do need to sleep…

Goodnight,

Danny

Once again I must start with an apology for the long stretch since my last posting. I am now heading into my final week here in America, before flying to Canada for my first big tour there. I will then be heading back to the UK at the end of May assuming Iceland doesn’t have another hissy fit. It all just goes to confirm my long held belief that when it comes to global terrorism now one can hold a candle to Mother Nature. She must chuckle to herself every time there’s another pitiful car bomb attack as she stokes a volcano, or rattles another tectonic plate whispering ‘bloody amateurs’ under her breath. Actually, when you think about it, Mother Nature is a pretty bad mother. She should have lost custody of the earth years ago. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Nature but we are going to have to take the earth away from you. We cannot risk another drink-fuelled senseless attack on poor little earth. It’s for the best. I know you’re sorry and you promise it won’t happen again. But frankly, we’ve heard it all before. No one is arguing that you don’t provide little earth with everything it needs, but you can’t just lash out because you feel like you’re not appreciated. Yes, we know how ungrateful earth can be sometimes, treating the place like a hotel, polluting your atmosphere and melting your ice caps, but that’s not an excuse for violent recriminations. She’s just a kid for god’s sake! Mrs. Nature? Are you listening? Ok, put down the tidal wave. Put it down. You don’t have to do this…”

Unfortunately, I am gonna’ miss the forthcoming UK election on 5th May, which is shaping up to be an exciting photo finish. It looks like we might have a real upset on our hands if the Lib Dems continue to surge in popularity. I’m not sure how I feel about having a ‘Clegg’ in charge of the country? But, it’s got to be better than a twat. I think given the alternatives we might as well give him the reigns for a while and hope for the best. Everyone loves an underdog, unless of course you are a regular dog. Also, it’s worth remembering that Jim Davidson (the racist/sexist all-round odious ‘comedian’) said that he wouldn’t move back to Britain until the Conservatives got back into power. He left Britain because it was becoming ‘overrun by foreigners and muslims’ so he moved to… Bahrain. Brilliant. I don’t want to appear like a ‘single issue voter’ but that’s certainly a good enough reason to not vote for the Conservatives. In fact, if the other 2 parties had any sense they would run a campaign on that message. Just have a giant billboard with a picture of Jim Davidson and the words ‘He has a flight on hold…’

My Comedy Central Special aired in Canada at the weekend. Sorry, that I didn’t get a chance to put a post up about it. I hope those of you who saw it enjoyed it. It was a very low key affair, and that’s how I like it. I have had a lot of emails complaining that I am not coming to *add Canadian place name here* on the forthcoming tour. Hopefully next time I come I will be able to do a lot more dates, so I’m sorry if I missed your town/city this time around. I’m really looking forward to the shows, and thank you to everyone who is coming along, the response has been incredible. The last few weeks I have been building up the show in a few comedy clubs in the States, which hasn’t always been ideal. Weirdly enough, a crowd of spring-breakers in Florida at 11.30pm on a friday night drinking out of plastic glasses and munching chicken wings weren’t that keen to hear jokes about the Norman invasion of England in 1066? Tough crowd! For the few American fans I have picked up in my time here in the States, I want to let you know that my Comedy Central Special should still be airing there on May 22nd at 11pm. Tune in if you get a chance, and become part of a small but elite club. Unfortunately, I won’t see it as I will be back in the UK by then…and let’s all just pray that I am the only comedian returning to the UK next month.

I am sorry for those of you who follow me on my website and facebook sites that the updates have stalled of late. I have recently had a change of management and am in the process of changing these sites over, so hopefully I will have it all sorted next month and you can start getting regular updates again, please bear with me. Finally, for all you guys in Australia and New Zealand, I have had a distinctly empty feeling these past few months, when ordinarily I would have been over there doing my regular circuit of theatres and festivals which I love. I will definitely be back early next year. I’m sorry I missed you all, but just think how good the show is gonna’ be next year?…Norman Invasion and all!

All the best,

Danny

Now all the excitement of the figure skating and ski jumping is out of the way, it’s time to get back to the work. I have just returned to LA after 2 weeks of gigs. If you want to know about the kind of diversity a life in comedy can bring you then consider my gigs this past weekend. On Sunday night I did a show to some 50 people in a club in a giant shopping mall in a place called Schaumburg in Illinois, then the following day, I recorded a spot on The Late Show with David Letterman in New York. It’s a funny old world in the world of funny. I have to say, it was a very strange experience standing on a stage that I’ve dreamed of being on most of my adult life, knowing that this could be my one and only chance to impress an American audience that doesn’t know me or my comedy. Letterman, on the other hand, was a piece of piss. I was on a bill with Matt Damon (I’m definitely talking about Letterman now), who I briefly passed in a corridor backstage. You will be glad to know I resisted the temptation to rugby tackle him to the ground and scream ‘you’ve got nothing Bourne!’ I actually wanted to pitch to him my idea for the next movie in the sequence, which was when Jason Bourne decides to give up being a renegade and joins his local church. It’s called the ‘Bourne Again Identity.’ Or, when Jason Bourne develops a severe case of amnesia, where he can’t even remember his own name from the previous day. It’s called ‘I wasn’t Bourne Yesterday.’ Actually, I think that was pretty much the storyline from the first 2?

I think Letterman went quite well, although I went way over my time and the show weren’t very happy with me. I think Letterman is visibly angry when he shakes my hand at the end, at least that’s what the grip suggested. I also did a couple of jokes which I wasn’t supposed to do, so it might edit down a little strange because they will have to take them out for legal reasons. Apparently, you can’t say ‘willy’ on American TV even at 11.30 at night? Bloody Puritans! the lot of them! Anyway, either way, I was on Letterman and that makes the past 7 months of sitting around in LA struggling to get gigs and feeling increasingly depressed and lonely all worthwhile. The show goes out this Friday (March 5th) on CBS at 11.30pm, so if you’re still up watch what may well be my only ever stand up appearance on American TV. ‘But, what about your Comedy Central Special, Danny?’ I hear one of you say. Well, unfortunately that has been moved again! I am beginning to think Comedy Central have taken the title of the show ‘Subject to Change’ a little too literally? I’m sorry if you set your Tivo’s to record it this saturday, but I only found out very recently, which is very frustrating because I had already sent out all the press releases for March 6th. They are now talking about a May airing, but in my short time here in the states I have learned that 90% of what anyone in the entertainment business tells you should be taken with a fucking rock of salt!

So, without a comedy central special air date, and a less active diary than Tiger Wood’s caddy, I think it might be time to admit that America has been a harder nut to crack than I could have imagined. The harsh reality is, trying to break into the American stand up market without TV exposure, is a bit like trying to break into the porn industry without taking your clothes off. It has been a frustrating 7 months, but as with all things in life, it is only a waste of time if you don’t learn anything from it, and I have definitely learned to appreciate more the career I have built in other parts of the world. The strange thing about America is that no matter how long you stay here, if you’re not from here, everything still seems a little unfamiliar to you. LA is a colossal, eccentric and beguiling place, but there is something not quite right about it? It is the coldest warm place I have ever been. I guess what I am describing is just a bit of homesickness. I will be here until the end of April, then I embark on a solo tour across Canada which I am extremely excited about. After that, I will be back in the UK to prepare for a return to the Edinburgh festival in August.

My Canadian tour dates are on sale from this friday. You can get details from my website or facebook. A few people have said they didn’t get the mail out with details of a pre-sale offer which runs until midnight tomorrow. I’m sorry about this. Basically, you can call up the venue or book on ticketmaster (select venues only) with the password ‘Scotland’ and get tickets before they go on general sale, at least that’s what I’ve been told? At what point in the conversation do you drop in the password, that’s what I want to know?

“Hello, do you have Danny Bhoy tickets available?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about? I’ve never heard of him?”

“Ahem. Scotland.”

“Certainly madam, how many tickets would you like?”

I will put up details of any other gigs in the US that come in between now and then. I am also currently putting together a mixture of gigs and previews in the UK in May-July to work up the new Edinburgh show, so I will post details of all of these when I have them confirmed.

Cheers for now,

Danny

p.s. I don’t know when Letterman airs in Australia, it’s usually a few days after. But, basically I’m on the show which airs here on Friday March 5th.

It is coming up to the end of January and I have to say that so far 2010 has not lived up to the hype, but to be fair, there is a long way to go. I am back in the United States after a ball-chillingly cold few months back home over Christmas and New Year. It’s been an interesting start to the year. I came back to not 1, but 2 letters threatening legal action against me…ah, this is more like the America I know! The first was from my mobile phone company who I had forgotten to pay before I left. I called them up and explained that I had been out of the country and had only just got the reminder they sent by post. ‘How do we know know you have been out of the country?’ was the curt response. ‘Well,’ I replied ‘why don’t you check my phone bill?’ After seeing a month’s worth of calls made from the UK, they reluctantly admitted that my story held up. There are times in life when people just need to apply a common sense approach. It reminded me of the time I lost my passport in the arrivals at Edmonton airport in Canada. I was directed to the ‘Lost And Found’ department, which I’ve always thought is too many words. Do you think at some time they were separate departments until some bright spark in the ‘Lost’ Department looked over at the ‘Found’ Department and thought ‘we should really discuss a merger?’

Anyway, I went to the ‘Lost And Found’ department in Edmonton airport and said ‘excuse me, I have lost my passport.’ The man searched a shabby cardboard box and pulled out a Chinese passport and said ‘Is this it?’ I said ‘What do you think?’ and he carried on searching. Then, he pulled out my passport and I yelled ‘That’s it!’ What he said then still mystifies me to this day. He said ‘Do you have any ID?’ I looked at him for a long enough time for him to think about what he had just said, then slap himself and say ‘sorry, it’s been a long day.’ and hand me the passport. Instead we just stared at each other until I replied with a bemused ‘es. You’re holding it!’ He retorted ‘How do I know this is your passport?’ Again, I left a bit of time before I replied. ‘Well, why don’t you turn to the photo ID page, and if it’s my face, then I think it’s fair to assume, it’s my passport!’ He opened it up and took a long hard look at the photo. Eyed me up and down suspiciously. Then incredibly picked up the Chinese passport and did the same! Then finally handed me back my passport.

Now, the other cheery legal threat I came back to was from Hertz car rentals. Back in October, I was sitting in an outside cafe one morning enjoying the blissful Californian sunshine and a good book when I heard an almighty crash. I looked across the road to see a large garbage truck slowly backing away from what used to be my Toyota Yaris. The police arrived and that’s when I wished the book I had been reading was ‘What To Do When The Police Arrive? (US Version)’ As I have since found out, I failed to get some vital paperwork which means I am now liable for an accident in which I was the victim! For me, this is just more evidence that Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed immediately. Apparently, the other driver claims he didn’t see my car, which I would have thought was fairly obvious! If I could make just one amendment to the US Constitution on the 6-month anniversary of my time here in the US, I would add a ‘Don’t Be A Dick!’ clause. It would immediately follow the ‘Freedom Of Speech’ Clause. So, it would say ‘Every American has the Right To Freedom Of Speech…but like, Don’t Be A Dick.’ Of course, I would probably have to change the next amendment as well which is ‘The Right To Bear Arms’, otherwise it would be:

1. Every American has the right to freedom of speech
2. Don’t be a dick.
3. Hey, who you calling a dick? Bang!

If you could add just one amendment to the US constitution, what would it be? If I get enough good ones, maybe I’ll include a new draft of the American Constitution in my next blog? For the People. By some people.

Anyway, on to more important stuff. Those of you who are regular visitors to my website or facebook will know that both have recently been bombarded with literature and clips to promote my upcoming Comedy Central Special and accompanying DVD release ‘Subject To Change’. This was a ‘Best Of’ show that was filmed recently specifically for a North American audience, and contains a lot of material from my ‘Live At The Opera House’ DVD. So, if you already have this title (and I am talking mainly to my Australian and New Zealand friends) please do not buy ‘Subject To Change’ unless you want to see me do a similar show in different clothing. In which case, stop being weird. If however, you live elsewhere in the World, and you don’t have ‘Live At The Opera House’, then this is definitely a great DVD to buy. You can pre-order it on Amazon, I believe?

A good few people have asked when I will next be down under. I may do some shows at the end of this year, but more likely I will return to Australia and New Zealand in early 2011 with a brand new show. I’ll let you know if those plans change. I can confirm however, that I will be returning to the Edinburgh Festival this August, and I will hopefully tie that in with some other Scottish and UK dates around the same time. Please check the website every so often for updates. Probably my most exciting news is that I am doing my first solo tour of Canada from April 29-May 16th. The dates should be up on my website by the time you read this. Oh, and I finally got that Letterman slot I’ve been holding out for. It’s scheduled for Friday 12th February. Hopefully, the show will still be on the air by then? I have some other scheduled US dates for February and April on the website including a triumphant return to the commuter paradise of Schaumburg, Illinois which I’m obviously over the moon about! 4 nights? In a room inside a giant shopping mall? Who wouldn’t?

All the best, Danny

Well, it’s that time of year again when children find it hard to sleep at night and not just because Gary Glitter’s back in Britain. I am also back in Britain, but please note that is where the similarities end. I’m spending a few days in London before heading up north to Scotland which last week appears to have reentered the Ice Age, so that’s nice. A cab driver made me giggle here yesterday when he told me he was dreading a white Christmas because he had promised his 4 year old boy that if it snowed, he would be able to see Santa’s footprints on the roof on Christmas morning. And there’s only one way he could keep that promise… I have begun my quest to buy suitable presents for a sizable list of nieces and nephews. The problem is that they range from 2 years old to 13 years old, so it is practically impossible to buy a one-toy-fits-all type of gift. I have found the worst thing you can do is think ‘now, what did I like when I was 7 years old?’ because then you risk almost certain disappointment when the poor child unwraps ‘Daley Thomson’s Decathlon’ for the ZX Spectrum and a tangerine orange. I have come to the conclusion that anything with the letter ‘i’ in front of usually makes people happy, unless that thing is a rack. One of the most frequently received Christmas presents I used to get when I was a kid was a ‘Guinness Book Of Records.’ In fact I think I got one every year without fail from 1983-1993. I never quite understood the reasoning behind this tradition? Other than the fact that none of my other presents were sponsored by a brewery, the main problem was that most of the records didn’t change in that period, so I pretty much just got the same book every year for 10 years. Occasionally, some guy in Mexico would beat the previous record for continuous hopping or something? But other than that every new edition had a serious case of déjà vu. ‘Oh look, I see no one has challenged Michel Lotito’s record of eating the most amount of metal in one sitting? Ah yes, and looks like Lee Redmond still holds the record for the longest nails? Well really, they could have at least changed the photo?’ Having said that, there was something rather comforting about getting that thick, heavy book at the bottom of my stocking, it made the initial weight of the stocking seem far more exciting. I suppose Guinness Book Of Records’ sales have dramatically decreased with the presence of the internet in every home now? After all, I imagine it’s a lot simpler to just type into a search engine ‘biggest feet?’ than to get down that ton weight from the shelf and spend 15 minutes leafing through it’s gigantic pages, which is a shame because in my experience whenever you looked up one record in that book you almost always found yourself absorbed in it for the next few hours which was by no means a bad thing. Well anyway, I suppose better get on with the shopping…

I will get some new stand up dates up on the website in the New Year. It looks like I will be doing some solo shows in Canada in the spring, then I’m hoping to put together some kind of tour in the UK later in the year and I’m sure there will be more….

A very merry Christmas to you all!

Danny

P.S. For those of you wondering, Robert Pershing Wadlow, of Alton Illinois, has the biggest feet ever recorded at a whopping 18 1/2 inches long. That’s a size 37 shoe…Imagine seeing those footprints in the snow on your roof!

I actually had a traditional Thanksgiving meal in an Italian restaurant which was a bit weird, but rather nice. As the waiters delivered the set menu dishes to the table they were noticeably a little embarrassed by the pile of sludge chucked onto a plate that was usually graced with a quaint carpaccio arrangement. That said, it was well cooked sludge, the highlight being creamed sweet potato with a bourbon gravy (which did make me wonder why if you were going to add butter, cream and gravy, did you really need to start with sweet potatoes?) Thanksgiving Day was followed by what Americans call .Black Friday. which sounds horrible.and it is. It’s basically a day when all the shops launch a massive post-thanksgiving/pre-Christmas sale, and it results in absolute mayhem. I passed a line of people who were camped outside a clothing store here called .Dress For Less.. Now Dress For Less (as the title suggests) is already a hugely discounted store, so I have no idea what kind of sale they were offering? I mean just how cheap can clothing get without buying direct from PhilipinoChildLabour.com? These lines of frankly insane shoppers were everywhere I looked which made me think surely the answer to the current economic crisis is to have everything on sale all the time. Just one big sign as you fly into any US airport says .Welcome to America. Everything must go!.

I have been back in the States for just a couple of weeks after another thoroughly enjoyable tour across Canada with the Just For Laughs team. I am starting to think that Canadians might be the best audiences in the World. No? Ok! Ok! You.re the best audience! You.re the best audience! I would like to thank all the people who came along to one of the many shows, particularly in places like Winnipeg where it is so cold that it takes an enormous effort just to raise your head above ground, never mind toddle along to the local theatre for a few laughs. I am extremely flattered that at least some of the crowd made the journey out to their local theatre just to see me, which leads me to a formal apology. I did get a few emails/messages from people saying that they were disappointed I didn.t come out and meet people after the show. I.m really sorry about this; I.m still a bit uncomfortable with doing this. It took until my 4th tour of Australia before I was able to do this over there! It.s not you, it.s me. I am hoping to come back to Canada next year for some solo shows, and I promise I will make the effort to come out after the shows. But for now, please accept my apology.

Next year looks fairly uncertain at the moment. I am still waiting to hear back on several touring options, so I will post something on the sites and send out something to my mailing list when I know more. I will most likely be in London for most of January and early February working up a new show. These will mainly be unannounced spots or shorter sets at smaller clubs. I will let people know if it.s a longer set or preview if you guys want to come down. My 1-hour Comedy Central Special is due to air over here in February so I will let my (shall we say?) .boutique?. fan base over here know when I have a firm date. I shall avoid wishing you all a Merry Christmas just now, and therefore set myself the target of writing another blog before then, otherwise it.s just rude. I am also looking to revamp my website for next year, so if there is anything that you would like to see on there, or things you don.t like or find confusing, please email info@dannybhoy.com with your suggestions. Please Note. .Can you come and do a show in Toowoomba mate?. is not a website suggestion.

Take care all. And to my America friends I wish you all a slightly belated Happy Thanksgiving! And to my Canadian friends I wish you an even more belated Happy Thanksgiving! And to all my other friends, what.s up with Thanksgiving? I mean you.ve got Christmas! Why do you need another Christmas?…Is this on?

Best,

Danny

I know, I know. It’s been a while.

I have no excuse other than this whole .I.ve been busy starting a new life in America. thing. I have been here in LA for about 6 weeks now, and the good news is, I haven.t been sued or shot yet. You may recall that I was touring regional Victoria, Australia, back in February during the horrific bush fires that hit the region. Well, in the last few weeks fire-fighters here have also been battling massive fires up on the surrounding hills of LA. I feel like I.m doing a bloody worldwide tour of forest fires! One can only wonder which treacherous part of the world I will end up in for the next ecological disaster?

I am living in a huge gated-apartment complex in West Hollywood which seems to be full of half-naked porn stars. Lovely guys, but very awkward when the elevator gets crowded. It’s in a really great part of town; I have a cinema and a shopping centre nearby, which is all I really need. So far, I haven.t really done many gigs. There are 3 main comedy clubs here. The Comedy Store, The Laugh Factory and The Improv. I have done the Comedy Store twice, and both nights there have been more comedians than audience members. The Improv and The Laugh Factory are much better, and I seem to be making progress in both. It.s all very weird though, I really am starting all over again here. I.m taking any gig that comes my way, I.m even booked to do a Latino night tomorrow, which should be pretty interesting. I.m generally only doing 10-20 minute spots at these clubs, and anywhere else I can get the stage time, I do occasionally wake up, and wonder what the f**k I am doing?

There have been a lot of things I.ve had to adjust to, and many more things I still haven.t got my head around. I have seldom been more terrified than the first day I drove here in LA, and I only went to the supermarket and back. It seems that in this town the most expensive car legally has the right of way, which means longer waits at junctions in my responsibly small Toyota Yaris. The weather is unrelentingly nice and the people range from the unnervingly friendly to the unapologetically hostile. But what do you expect? This is LA, and there really is no place on earth quite like it. I saw a man with a dog on his back riding a bike the other day. I don.t know what I found more disturbing? That image? Or the fact that no one else seemed to bat an eyelid? In fact I mentioned this on stage the following night, and the response from an audience member was merely .what kind of dog was it?

I have seldom felt more out of place than on a recent trip to Rodeo Drive in Beverley Hills. Apparently it features in the film Pretty Woman starring Julie Roberts, but I haven.t seen this movie because I am not a gay man. There were shops I wasn.t even allowed in because I hadn.t made an appointment. Isn.t that remarkable? In times of global financial crisis, there are still places where only certain people.s money is accepted? I had no great intention of purchasing diamond shoes, but that.s not the point. It seems to me that in LA the richer the woman, the smaller the dog. I saw more than one woman in Beverley Hills carrying their small chiwawa dogs in their handbags (which I suppose is a safer place than on your back). I think this is an acceptable practice here. I noticed a small dog peaking out from a woman.s handbag at a gig I did the other night. He seemed to be enjoying himself, so I just left it.

I am going back home for a week at the end of the month, then when I return I will be getting ready for a 4-week tour across Canada in October. And after that? Who knows my friends? I am hoping some weekends out of town come up, so I can get a chance to see some different parts of America, and I am still holding out for that coveted talk show stand up spot. So there you have it, I am in a city where nobody knows me, and I don.t know anybody. I don.t have regular work and I.m driving a Toyota Yaris. But here.s the strangest part of all I.m loving every minute of it!

Have a nice day!

Cheers everyone,

Danny

I got home from the Chicago comedy festival about 2 weeks ago, and I am now into the third week of my longest continuous stretch at home since October 2007. I should really be outside skipping freely through one of the many wonderful public parks that Edinburgh has to offer in the summertime, but instead I am sitting at the kitchen table watching the rain batter off the pavement outside. It is 3 in the afternoon and I kid you not, the clouds in the sky are so dark that a moth is currently smashing his head against the window trying to get to the small blue light coming from my Ipod speakers. Either that, or he’s just really into Coldplay.

To be fair, this is the first bad day in what has otherwise been a very pleasant couple of weeks here in Edinburgh. I haven’t really done much, other than a little bit of reading and writing and watching far too much tennis. Of course this year’s Wimbledon was particularly exciting because we had a bona fide potential winner in the form of Andy Murray. He was incredibly the 3rd seed going into the tournament. We haven’t had a 3rd seeded sportsman from Scotland since they abolished the 50-foot Belly Flop at the Olympics! It was heartbreaking to see Murray crash out in the semi-finals, but at least that proves his ranking was spot on? It is a little known fact that when I was a kid I applied for a position as a ball boy at Wimbledon. I got a letter back from the Lawn Tennis Association informing me that I was ineligible because I did not attend one of the ‘approved schools’ from which their ball boys and ball girls are annually selected. Apparently, privately-educated children are better at picking up a ball on the run than the Oliver Twists of this world! It still hurts when I read that rejection letter…and the other 24 rejection letters they have sent me every year since. Apparently now, I’m ‘too old.’ Whatever! Fascists.

I am heading off to the Canadian festivals in Toronto and Montreal early next week, so if you live in either of these two mighty Canadian cities, then please come along. A good few of you have messaged me asking if I am doing the Edinburgh Festival this year? Unfortunately, I will not be there as I am off to LA for a while after Canada. I don’t know if I have mentioned this in my previous correspondences, but I will be filming a one-man Comedy Central Special for my American friends in July (that’s right, fuck you Lawn Tennis Association!) Nobody really knows who I am over there, so it will be interesting to see how it goes down? I am planning to be in the States until at least the end of the year. I will be doing gigs mainly, and hopefully I’ll pick up a writing job, or a spot on Leno, or something? Anything? In preparation, I have been reading an absorbing book called The Presidents by Stephen Graubard. I figure if I’m gonna’ be spending some time in the US, it’s important to know my Bush’s from my Roosevelts? (which sounds like something a dyslexic gardener might write.) I even went to the Hard Rock Café in Edinburgh on Saturday for lunch hoping to passively soak up some American culture on Independence Day, but instead discovered it was full of people from just about everywhere else on the planet except America. Besides, there is something not right about celebrating America’s independence from England, when you yourself live in Scotland! Anyway, the point is, I’m not doing the Edinburgh festival this year, but I will definitely be back next year unless I get sidetracked with ball-boy-ing duties.

Well, it looks like it might be brightening up a bit out there, so I better go catch some rays, man. That moth is still banging it’s head against the window so definitely a Coldplay fan. I will write another blog from Canada and let you know how my gigs with John Cleese went. Oh, didn’t I mention that? Well, there’s something to look forward to in my next blog…

Cheers everyone,

Danny

I’m writing this substantially long-overdue blog from my hotel room in Christchurch, New Zealand, where the management have very thoughtfully left on my desk a platter of cheese and a card with a picture of a gecko on the front and a message inside asking me to call them “if the bed sheets are tucked in too tight?” It’s an unusual welcome note, but in the past 3 months of touring, I have received my fair share of strange gifts including a book on ‘Mastering Body Language’, a tartan cap with fake ginger hair sticking out the sides, a T-shirt with a somewhat disturbing stencil of my face on it, and a travel iron. Such gifts are always gratefully received but occasionally do result in some serious head-scratching (especially the tartan cap). One lady in South Australia (I forget where) baked me some muffins and left a note which read “best enjoyed with a long black” ,which I was later extremely relieved to find out was a style of coffee. Occasionally I get something quite special, like the very nice couple in Brisbane who presented me with some rather lovely limited edition prints, none of which had my face on them.

I have just completed another marathon tour of Australia and I’m now 5 shows into my New Zealand run. If you are interested to know how Kiwi audiences differ from Australian audiences, then I would draw your attention to a couple of young lads at the Civic Theatre in Auckland a few night’s ago who only turned up for the last 20 minutes of the show. Then after taking their seats in the front row, one of them proceeded to casually make a phone call. The story gets even more astonishing when I found out that the guy he was calling was at the back of theatre! I’m pretty sure The Nutcracker Suite doesn’t have this problem when it tours? When challenged, he proudly handed me the phone and asked me if I wouldn’t mind saying “hello”. It took enormous restraint not to take the phone from him and smash it into his stupid little face. Apart from that little incident the New Zealand shows have been going rather well.

I have now been on tour since the 31st of January and I think it’s fair to say I’m ready to go home. That first gig in Mount Gambier back in January seems so very long ago now. I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as I bounded onto the stage that evening in stark contrast to the weary, ashen-faced wreck appearing dutifully from the wings of late. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and providing that light isn’t an oncoming train, I think I’m gonna’ make it. It’s been a long slog, and I am absolutely shattered, but it’s also been a lot of fun. There have been many highlights. The great Australian cities of Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Perth and Adelaide (yes, Adelaide) provided a strong backbone to an extensive regional tour all around Australia which saw me take in everywhere from the jumping university towns of Armidale to the sleepy retirement centres of Horsham (sorry Horsham). Along the way, I met many great people, and a few arseholes. The crowds were generally fantastic and, (with the exception of Coffs Harbour), extremely well-behaved. And now there are only a handful of shows back in regional Victoria when I get back there next week for it to all go belly up.

I would like to thank everyone who has been supportive on this tour, which means I would definitely NOT like to thank Telstra. Apparently if I use my phone anywhere outside of Melbourne’s CBD, then I am technically classed as ‘roaming’ and start to incur the kind of charges that suggest I am not so much using my phone as putting itthrough a private education. Apparently the ‘plan’ I’m on does not support me moving around while I talk. I’m pretty sure when Alexander Graham Bell made that first call he didn’t open with “now, before we go any further Mr. Watson, can I just ask you what plan you are on at the moment?” Nor, did he imagine that one day his landmark invention would result in giant call centres full of people who want to kill themselves on the phone to people who also want to kill them. Anyway, other than Telstra, I have had nothing but support and encouragement from the good people of Australia this past 4 months and I would like to thank you all. (I just won’t be doing it by phone).

I head back to Edinburgh on the 3rd of June, where I’m hoping to have 12 days of rest before I head out to the Chicago, Toronto and Montreal festivals over June and July. It will be a short, but necessary stop back in my home city of Edinburgh. Heaven only knows what bills and sheriff’s orders await? All I know is, for a full 12 days I will be able to sit in my flat and enjoy the fact that I don’t need to pack a case, get on a plane or think of jokes (well, 2 out of 3′s not bad). I have torn out a few interesting recipes from various magazines over the past 4 months, so maybe I will set to task on a few of them, although quite where I will find fresh kangaroo steak in Edinburgh is anyone’s guess? I’m looking forward to seeing my nieces and nephews and opening with the obligatory “my, haven’t you grown?” before being kicked in the shins and chased around the garden by a giant 16 year old. It’s strange to think that because I’ve changed hemispheres, in the past 4 months I have jumped from winter to autumn, to winter and now soon to be in spring. But then, I’ve lived in Scotland most of my life, so it’s not so unusual to miss out summers altogether.

The seasons have changed and so have I. With the end of every tour comes the hope that you are a better comedian, a little wiser, a bit more relaxed, and a little closer to finally settling down. Maybe all or none of these is true. All I know is, I’m down to my last clean T-shirt, but unfortunately it has a stencil of my face on it. My trousers are dirty and crumpled, but with the help of my trusty travel iron, the audience will never be able to tell the difference. And there are a few more grey hairs on my head, but nothing a cap with ginger bits sticking out the sides can’t hide. I have no idea when I’ll be back to this side of the world, but until then, thanks again. Stay safe. And keep laughing.

Danny