I am 3/4’s the way through my UK Tour, and currently heading back to London after a week long stint in Yorkshire. My suitcase is unmistakably lighter than it was 7 days ago, so I have a 3 hour train journey to speculate what items I may have left in various hotel rooms this week? My phone charger is a given. In fact, over the years I have left so many phone chargers in hotel rooms, that when lately I have asked at reception if I can borrow one, I’m pretty sure I’ve just got my own one back? Someone told me recently that a terrorist only ever uses a phone once then discards it. I can assure you my similar turnover of phone chargers is purely down to forgetfulness. That, and a lack of space in the old sniper bag.

It has been an interesting tour so far. I had a giant pencil thrown at my head in Glasgow, which could have been worse… it could have been Motherwell? In Wolverhampton I had my lowest audience of the tour with just 70 people turning up, 4 of whom had simply got the wrong night for another comedian? In Cheltenham, I turned up at the wrong venue, but got as far as setting up the stage and doing a soundcheck before somebody said “are you sure you’re in the right room?” I knew something was wrong, because people don’t usually shout that out this until the gig has started! And in Wakefield I got pulled into the middle of the dance floor of a wedding at my hotel for a man to throw up on my shoes (not sure if this was a Wakefield tradition? Or he’d just been at the gig?) But, other than that, it has been a largely enjoyable and successful tour. I am extremely grateful to all the people who have come along. Sometimes we have been small in number, but often these have been the best nights.

Immediately after this tour ends on the 3rd of November, I will be jetting out to New York for the election, which I am absolutely stoked about. If anyone reading this is from New York, could you suggest a good place for me to watch the election results roll in? Texas Pete’s good ole fashioned southern-style rodeo smokehouse is probably not for me? Or rather, it is for me, but probably not that night? I’m thinking some art gallery or museum with large screens, where I can sip martinis with foppish liberals in corduroys and pretend to be an intellectual? Or maybe, I will ‘do an Eastwood’ and spend the night in my hotel room on my own talking to an empty chair? Which is pretty much what I did at that gig in Wolverhampton anyway!

In the midst of this hectic tour, I’ve managed to squeeze in another taping of Live At The Apollo, which is due to air on Wednesday 14th November. I will let you know if there is any change to this? For my Swedish fans, I recorded a slot on Raw Comedy which will air on 3rd December. And this is also the date for the UK release of my brand new DVD ‘Live At The Festival Theatre’ which I am extremely excited about. In other news, I will shortly be announcing a full schedule for a tour of Australia and New Zealand next year. This will most likely be February through to May 2013, but I will send a mail out soon with all the details. Oh, and one other thing, I am taking part in a charity event at the Apollo on the 22nd November called ‘Laugh or the Polar Bear gets it!’ It was brilliant last year, and has another fantastic line up this year, so please come along if you can?

Cheers,

Danny

Please note that this is a Region 2 DVD in PAL format, and may not be viewable outside Europe – see more about DVD regions here: http://amzn.to/LrgmdW

Click a link to pre-order at Amazon, Play or HMV!

Today I am in Vancouver for the final dance of this long Canadian tour. There is not a cloud in the sky, and the sun is shining almost apologetically for the past 4 weeks. Today is the kind of day that when I was a kid, my mum would march into the living room, switch off the television, and shout “Right! You lot! Get out! It’s too nice a day to sit around the house watching TV. Go on! Get out there and do something!” And I would. I would get on my bike and I would go for a long cycle, sometimes as far as Beattock (look it up), and then, when it got too cold to feel my hands, I would cycle back home, and my mum would say “Where the bloody hell have you been? I’ve been worried sick!” You could never win.

It’s hard to believe that just 3 weeks ago, I was staring out of the window of my hotel room in Ottawa, Canada, on a blustery, snowy afternoon. The room overlooked a quaint tree-lined park, and some archetypal French, turquoise roofs. For those of you who don’t know? There are parts of Canada that are more French than a beret full of baguettes. Indeed, but for the familiar North American smell of vanilla coffee everywhere, and the Mountie hat sitting on my bed, I could very well have been in some corner of Paris. (By the way, the Mountie hat was mine, I didn’t… well, y’know.. anyway.) A few days later, I found myself in a wet and windy Windsor, which despite still being in the province of Ontario is a very different kettle of fish altogether (never order the fish in Windsor… or, for that matter, buy a kettle!) Windsor also has the venerable distinction of being directly across a short river crossing from the USA. It was the most ‘bizarre’ check in I have ever had. ‘Would you like a room with a view of America, Sir?’ ‘Mmmm. Don’t mind if I do. Hey, why are there 14 people on the back of that jet ski?’

Anyway, I am finally at the end of my tour across this wildly contrasting land and I am as tired as I have ever been. It was a long, hard tour. Tough on the body, and disorientating on the mind. My life for the past 5 weeks has basically been: get up-fly-unpack-be funny-sleep. Get up-fly-unpack-be funny-sleep. But I have had a lot of fun along the way. Thank you to everyone who came along to the shows. Thank you Canada.

Now, many of you will know that after Canada I will be making a brief trip to Australia. I was originally only going over to host the Sydney Comedy Gala, but I have now added just 2 shows in Sydney, for people who didn’t see my show ‘Messenger’ last year. Those who saw it are, of course, also welcome. It will be a longer show with some new material, but it won’t be a whole new show. Who the hell do you think I am? For the rest of Australia, I say this! I will be back in 2013 with a big tour of my new show! So be still thy precious hearts until then.

I should also mention my return to the Edinburgh Festival this year. Just 6 nights at the EICC August 3-8th. Tickets are available on a website somewhere? And on a related subject thank you so much to everyone who came out to the DVD recordings in February at the Festival Theatre. I have edited the show and it’s looks fantastic. I will let you know when we have a release date for it? After the Edinburgh festival I will be taking the new show around the UK for 2 months, so please check the dates on my website if you fancy coming along? By November, I will be probably be a shell of the man I am, so I will hopefully get a bit of a break before the planned Australia tour. And don’t worry New Zealand, I haven’t forgotten about you! I plan to add on some dates there after Australia, or maybe even before, so stay tuned! There may also be some dates in Scandinavia and the US this year, but nothing confirmed yet?

That is really all for now, I must get ready for my final show. Tomorrow I will heading off some place else with a renewed skip in my step and a mountie hat tucked under my arm. (again, both these things are totally unrelated.)

Best,

Danny

in addition to this, we are pleased to announce 2 special extended shows of his smash 2011 tour ‘Messenger (Please Do Not Shoot)!’ These will be at The Concourse Concert Hall on Sat 28th April, and The Enmore Theatre on Monday 30th April – BOOK NOW!

If you didn’t catch the show last year, this will be your last chance! These tickets will go on general release on Wednesday 7th March, but are available for you guys now!  There are no other planned shows in Australia this year, but dates for a big, new Australia tour in 2013 will be announced later this year…

Also, this show has been recently recorded for a DVD. Details of when this will released will also follow soon…’

Here are the dates for my tour of Canada in the Spring. As you can see, there are 2 venues that for some reason you can only book over the phone. These are Saint John and St. John’s. It could be a ‘Saint’ thing?..Or, of course, a ‘John’ thing? Anyway, I hope you can make it along to one of the shows? The tickets go on general sale this friday, so if you pre-book now, you will need the password ‘Wanderlust’ which also happens to be the title of the new show. It’s a German word meaning ‘a strong desire or yearning to travel’, which is a pretty good description of a condition I’ve had since I was a kid. That and psoriasis… But, that would be a far less appealing name for a show.

Click here for a full list of dates

Best,

Danny

I can now confirm that I will definitely be doing a show at The Festival Theatre in Edinburgh on Wednesday 8th February 2012. I know a dark, midweek night in the cold Scottish winter doesn’t immediately scream ‘fun’ to all of you? But, for those of you who brave the elements there will be a place in history, as the show will be my first DVD filmed in my home country. I’m not sure exactly what the show will be, but that’s usually when it works best. Before the inevitable, and bloody, scramble for tickets on the open market, I am giving my fans an opportunity to buy tickets 24 hours before there is a public announcement. So, here is the link for tickets which will be on sale for you guys at 11am on Tuesday 1st November.

http://www.fctt.org.uk/festival_theatre/event.aspx?evtid=534

All tickets are £16.50 which includes a £1.50 ‘restoration’ charge, which I think means after the show we crown a new Scottish king? But I could have got that wrong?

I hope you can make it?

Cheers,

Danny

Cheers,

Danny

To be honest, Edinburgh is as good a place as anywhere to be today. The sun is shining, and hundreds of graduating university students resplendent in their gowns are walking around flanked by their proud parents. A little bit of me wants to roll up a piece of paper, wrap a black curtain around myself and dive into the celebrations, but the last time I did that I was wrestled to the ground by airport security. I feel I am owed a second graduation though, after the disaster of my first one, which took place on a gloomy afternoon in Glasgow. I went to pick up my suit from the tailors that morning, but it wasn’t ready, so I had to decide whether or not to wear a half-finished suit with one arm and one leg longer than the other? Then, the bumbling tailor offered to loan me a suit off one of the shop mannequins, which was a slightly too big pin-striped number. I had to take it, but ended up looking like an extra from Bugsy Malone. I might as well have drawn a pencil moustache on my face and turned up with a machine gun firing custard pies! To make matters worse, I was right at the back of this huge hall, and I didn’t hear my name being called out to go up and collect my degree which led to the awful feeling that I had failed so badly, the university refused to even acknowledge me as having been a student there? In the end, I shuffled up to the podium after everyone was filing out the door, and muttered to the Dean, ‘can I have my degree please?’ And, he handed it over to me with a look that suggested he didn’t think I would ever need it… and to be fair, he wasn’t totally wrong.

My next stand up show will be in Montreal from July 18-30, so do come along if you are in the area. After that, I have no idea what I am going to do? Perhaps some further time off, it has been a very manic year after all. I am not doing a show at the Edinburgh Festival this year, but I am hoping to be around for little while during it, after all, I live here! I may end up doing a few late night spots around town unannounced. I will post these on my Twitter account, which is @officialbhoy. Other than that, I hope you all have a wonderful Summer/Winter? (delete as appropriate) Thanks again for another great tour, let’s do it all over again sometime…

LOL, (‘in joke’ for people who were at this year’s show.)

Danny

P.S. ‘Sorry!’ (Another ‘in joke’). I’ll stop now.

I write this on the day after Easter monday, when people here in Australia are still on holiday! Come on people, even Jesus was back at the workshop by now? I think because yesterday coincidentally fell on Anzac Day (another public holiday), the good people of Australia decided it was a rollover. Australians love their holidays and enjoy a healthy 38 days off per year. If you want to know what country has the most amount of time off work? It’s little Lithuania, which has some 41 days of paid holiday per year. In addition, if you are Jewish by faith, you may take an additional 13 days of holiday, making it one of the best religions for the work-shy. So, it seems the best position to be in for overall time off work would be a Jewish person in Lithuania, of course historically that has definitely not been the best position to be in. If you are interested, poor old Canadians have the least amount of paid holiday leave with just 10 days a year. I suppose with that much snow, you might as well be working, right? Am I right Canada?…Is this on?

The shows have been going extremely well, despite a torn ligament in my wrist and a pulled muscle in my shoulder sustained from a tennis match, but certainly not helped by a rather energetic ‘gay viking’ routine I do on stage every night. I could drop the routine, but somehow the pain makes the joke funnier..which may be true of most good comedy? I want to thank everyone who has come to one of the shows so far. There have been some very memorable nights. I particularly enjoyed doing a show in Toowoomba a while back because I have never been to a town that was in more need of a good laugh, and hopefully we had one? And on that note, I am deeply sorry that the show in Christchurch has fallen through. Please understand that I really wanted to do the show. Unfortunately, there simply was nowhere else available on that night and as you can see from the tour, every other night is booked solid.

Many of you wrote to me from Christchurch and suggested alternative venues, the strangest of which was someone’s house! I did once do a gig many years ago around a dinner table in a home while a bemused family ate their Christmas dinner. The father had thought booking a comedian might prevent those awkward silences traditionally associated with family get-togethers. He was wrong. All that happened was they all stared at me for 20 minutes rather than each other. His youngest kid got up and kicked me in the leg, then ran out crying. I got paid £40, and I left…crying. I would love to think that it’s a story they can look back on as family now and laugh at, but I’ve got a feeling it was never mentioned again. Anyway, rest assured, I will return to Christchurch at a later date and we shall all have a bloody good laugh. Until then, I sincerely wish you all the best in rebuilding your city, and your confidence.

After my tour of New Zealand, I will be embarking on a month-long tour of the UK which, to be honest, is selling like a Superbowl party in North Korea, so I can only hope that people are planning to book late? Otherwise I will be at the Birmingham Symphony Hall on June 9th, looking at more folded-up seats than an Ikea warehouse. I will then be heading over to Montreal for a 2-week stint at the Montreal Just For Laughs Festival. Many of you have asked about other Canadian dates? I can reveal that I will almost certainly be doing a full tour of Canada next spring, I will keep you up-to-date of with further details when I have them. I will try to make sure none of the dates fall on one of your 10 days off, I don’t want anything to get in the way of those.

I haven’t been home since January, so I am assuming my invitation to the upcoming Royal wedding is lying on the floor behind my front door in Edinburgh? Of course, I would have probably gracefully declined the offer anyway. I love the Royal family as much as the next man (if the next man is Oliver Cromwell), but I’m not a big fan of weddings, and my attempts at making small talk with the Queen have, in the past, only ever got me into trouble. I would loved to have thrown in a few lines for the best man speech though, which I am assuming Harry is doing? I hope he doesn’t wear the Nazi uniform? His father will go ballistic.. Not to mention Prince Charles!… Is this definitely on? But, good luck to them. They say that in times of financial strife, the masses will always yearn for ‘bread and circuses’, which I have always thought is a rather unusual phrase? I cannot imagine a guy coming home one night and saying to his family ‘I am afraid there’s been some cutbacks at work, and I have been laid off…..NOW! GET IN THE CAR! WE’RE OFF TO BIG TOP BILLY’S!.. Oh, and grab that loaf of Wonder White. Anyway, at an estimated cost of £80 million, this wedding ought to be one heck of a ‘circus’! I hope even Canada is getting a day off?

All The Best,

Danny