Hello everyone,
And a very Happy New Year to you all. I realise that to some of you this seems a little belated, but to my Chinese readers my timing is impeccable. For as I'm sure you are all aware this weekend is the Chinese New Year, and I am here in Singapore (close enough) to celebrate it with all my oriental brothers and sisters. I am told that 2009 is the Year of The Ox, which signals a return to strong leadership and resilience (I wonder who that could be?) I can only assume by the same token, that the last 8 years have all been The Year of the Cock. Actually, last year was The Year of The Rat, which given the revelations in the financial world probably doesn't need a punchline.
I spent New Year in Edinburgh this year, where I saw in the bells alone in my own flat watching the fireworks fill the night sky above Edinburgh Castle. I remember when I was a young teenager I used to love New Year. Myself, and my mate Darren, would stumble up and down the packed Royal Mile in the rain snogging anyone that would let us. One year I counted 10 snogs! Darren (who was far more brazen than I) landed 14 snogs, but said he couldn't be sure they were all female, but he was pretty sure one was a policewoman, so double points?..Ah, to be young!) I cringe when I think back now to those carefree days of sexual liberation (as I'm sure those other 10 girls do), but swapping saliva with a cocktail of strangers in Edinburgh was very much the way New Year was done in my day. This New Year, the only tongue to venture into my mouth was from the likely contents of a chorizo sausage I bought back from Spain which I had to eat when I remembered all the shops were closed.
So here we are in 2009, and everyone is asking me what the year ahead holds for us. Well, I am no Nostradamus, but here are a few Danny Bhoy predications for this year:
January: Gordon Brown resigns as Prime Minister of Britain after he is found wandering around East Grinstead shopping centre in his underpants screaming at people to 'buy things!'
February: A bank in Scotland becomes the first bank in history to hold up it's customers at gunpoint and demand they empty their bank accounts. This sparks a string of similar hold ups around the country and in one day complete anarchy breaks out across Europe. After a 7-day war between 'The Suits' and 'The Non-Suits' a defining battle takes place in Belgium and The Suits narrowly take back the financial world.
March: Richard Branson is arbitrarily appointed by the Queen as Prime Minister of the newly-formed United Kingdom of Virgin. The economy is stabilised and the feel-good factor returns as everyone is required by law to travel to work in a hot air balloon.
April: Osama Bin Laden is discovered tied up in George Bush's shed in Texas. Apparently he had been there since shortly after 9/11. Bush attempts to flee the scene, but has accidentally locked himself in his own house, and is eventually arrested and charged with absolutely everything.
May: Prince Harry is caught on camera at a party in Cape Town dressed as a golliwog. He claims the photo was taken 'out of context', and it was 'just a bit of fun'. He is let off with a warning.
June: The world of celebrity officially overtakes the world of news in global importance. Celebrity reporters become the biggest group of employees in the UK, with a ratio of 2 reporters to 1 celebrity. After celebrities complain that undercover reporters are ruining their lives the government attempts to pass a bill declaring all celebrity reporters must be made visible at all times by dressing in a clown outfit. The opposition reject the bill claiming this would simply lead to a media circus. (classic)
July: In an unprecedented move by the opposing factions in the Middle East, it is decided that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict will be resolved by a giant game of Twister on the West Bank. Palestine wins, but American intervention manages to negotiate a 'best of 3' scenario, and Israel remains a state for now.
August: Prince Harry is photographed at a Ku Klux Klan meeting in Alabama dressed as a Grand Wizard. He tells reporters that it was' just a bit of fun.' That he 'has black friends' and that 'he didn't intend it to cause any offense.' He is let off with a warning.
September: Robert Mugabe is heavily defeated at the polls in Zimbabwe's general election and so begins his 4th term in office as President.
October: In a truly remarkable discovery Lionel Messi, Kaka and Ronaldo all discover they have Scottish ancestry, and feel the only right thing to do is to play for their mother country. The Scottish Football Association welcomes Messi and Kaka with open arms, but rejects Ronaldo's application.
November: The Apple Corporation bring out the new 1600G IBrain, a new brain which is lighter, more portable, and has more capacity than the regular human brain. It becomes the must-have Christmas present as thousands sign up, but customers are warned that in some rural areas their brains may not be able to pick up a signal until 2014. This has no effect on sales in Cornwall.
December: Jesus Christ makes a much anticipated return to Earth, but his comeback message of peace and goodwill is slightly overshadowed by the pragmatic social and economic results of Barrack Obama. Scotland draw at home to Iceland.
I will be starting my ridiculously long Australian tour on 31st January in Mount Gambier. Please check the website if you fancy coming along to one of the shows.
All the best for 2009 everyone,
Danny