Hello everyone,
I am in a place called Ottawa which I've just found out is the capital of Canada. (My apologies to the nation of Canada, but I genuinely thought it was Toronto). The huge parliament buildings which grace the city centre as I winged my way into the city this morning were my first clue. The second clue was a huge sign as we drove off from the airport saying "Welcome to Canada's capital city of Ottawa" I guess that's why I'm known as an observational comic. We are roughly halfway through this 4-week tour of Canada which has been hugely enjoyable. In one of the many highlights, yesterday I went to Niagara Falls which is only an hour long drive from Toronto, which is sooo not the capital of Canada.
Niagara Falls is only the second 'Wonder of The World' I can vouch to having visited in my life, the first being the great Taj Mahal in India. That was a slightly different experience as I was only 11 at the time and distinctly remember being annoyed that I had to get on a tour bus and leave the hotel pool to go see some stupid marble palace. In fact I remember spending much of the day playing Donkey Kong on an old portable Nintendo while a tour guide bleated on about 'the greatest architectural masterpiece in the World' blah, blah, blah. 'The Taj Mahal was built on 4 levels.' Big wow! Donkey Kong had 8! I remember being similarly unresponsive when being dragged along to see the Mona Lisa in the Louvre in Paris when I was 13, the difference being I was still underwhelmed when I visited it again last month. But when I found out we were going to visit the Niagara Falls yesterday, I was genuinely excited. Heck, I didn't even pack my playstation.
After marvelling at the Falls from a walkway for some time, we decided to pay the $22 admission fee to venture down an elevator into the depths of the Falls, were you were able to walk out onto a platform and look up at the Falls, oh and get completely drenched in the process. They gave us all a bright yellow bin bag to wear as we boarded the elevator, which is akin to giving a soldier a penknife before sending him 'over the top.' It probably didn't help that I was insistent on trying to get a semi-artistic photo taken of the tumbling waterfall, which involved me sticking my head beyond the clearly marked 'danger' sign. 'What a dumbass!' was the remark from a young kid that I really could have no complaints about.
We were told by the less than enthusiastic tour guide that 1.4 million litres of water gush over Niagara Falls every single minute which is enough to fill 150,000 baths (or something like that, I don't know I was busy playing Mario Kart). The guide also told us that Niagara Falls is one of the most popular places in Canada for Honeymooners to come, to which I remarked they should maybe rename it 'Viagra Falls', a joke which seemed completely lost on the 15 Japanese tourists also on the tour, or they just didn't find it funny....Nah, that's ridiculous, they just didn't get it. My only complaint of the trip was the town of Niagara Falls itself, which has clearly been built solely, and soullessly, with the hoards of annual tourists in mind. I don't think you should be allowed to build any commercial building within 5 miles of a place of natural beauty, it just doesn't seem right. It's something you see all too often in North America, but thankfully not in other parts of the World. While there's definitely a prime market for a food stop after a strenuous hike up a hill, it's probably not a good idea to stick a McDonalds on top of Ayres Rock. Any more than it would be appropriate to erect a Beefeater restaurant on Robben Island, or a Starbucks in Guantanamo Bay (sadly that last one is true!)
When we got back to base still in our dripping plastic yellow bibs, resembling a team of shit marine scientists, I felt strangely morose. As with all great natural wonders, they leave you with an overriding sense of the insignificance of the present. The notion that this great structure of wondrous beauty has predated your existence by several thousands of years, and will outdate it by several thousand more really puts the achievements of the last winner of the X Factor into perspective. I'm reading Barrack Obama's 'Audacity of Hope' at the moment. I am determined to finish it before Election Day. He describes his early days as a budding senator as consisting of long lonely drives across Illinois with map in hand, stopping in on any group of people who were willing to hear him talk. I couldn't help but think of my early days in stand up which were pretty much the same. Yip, me and Obama, we knew what it was like! Of course, as I rattled through the chapters, I realised that this was the only thing we had in common. Yesterday, I watched him live on TV at a rally in Cleveland giving one of his typical dynamic speeches. As the rain started to fall quite heavily, he started to get some really bad feedback on his microphone. He stopped talking and tapped the mic 3 times, and it worked perfectly again. God, I love this guy! Do you have any idea how many times I've tried that, and just got worse feedback?
One of the overwhelming feelings of the book is of a man who simply hasn't wasted a day of his life. After a flawless academic record, and 12 years as a civil rights lawyer and community organiser, he audaciously went after a position in the United States Senate at a time when the man who had the most contacts and money almost always got the job. And he was black. Well, he still is. It made me think I should really use my time on the road more productively, rather than trying to make rude words out of the car in front's licence plate. Obama seems to be a man who has devoted the first part of his life to learning and the second part of his life to public service, and I think that is one of the most commendable traits in a person. Obama won't outlive the great rock of Niagara Falls, but with any luck he will be the next president to be carved into one.
Tomorrow we are off to Winnipeg, which like so many nice sounding places is apparently a bit shit (I give you 'Easterhouse', 'Castlemilk' or 'Red Deer'). We are there for the next 2 days, which means I will be holed up in some hotel room with no phone reception awaiting the results coming in. In many ways, it's the perfect way to see out the last day of a Bush administration. What better place to revel in the impending message of hope, than a cold, flat wasteland in the centre of Canada. "Anyway, hello Winnipeg! ...Is this on?" After that, we have another 10 or so dates on the tour, which will end in Victoria, I believe. Then I fly straight to Las Vegas for the Las Vegas Comedy Festival. Yip, from the icy cold, windswept prairies of Canada to the bright lights and razzmatazz of Vegas...I feel like I'm on a campaign trail of my own sometimes. Of course, I should say, there are no guarantees in life; there is always the possibility of a McCain victory on Tuesday. If that was the case, then I shall be cancelling my trip to Vegas in 2 weeks time as I will never be able to look at another American again.
Yes We Can.
Danny.