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There was a general vibe on the tour that we were ‘renegades that played by no one’s rules.’ On this occasion, that motto nearly resulted in us both dying from hypothermia. The combination of bitingly cold air and unrelenting rain is an unattractive option at the best of times. Probably then, not a great idea to add the variable of racing through it at speeds of up to 60km an hour, with no protection on our face other than our increasingly less cool-looking sunglasses. We were as kiwis might say it, “a right pair of ducks (dicks)”. I’m told some of the river gorge scenery we sped through at breakneck speed was pretty spectacular, but was never once able to open my eyes to verify this for myself. I could be mistaken, but I think at one point Charlie cried.

New Zealand is a country that is all about thrill-seeking. There is any number of people at any one time queuing up to throw themselves off a building, or ski down a cliff face, or walk up the K Road in Auckland at night. It took our early experience of Jet-boating to realise that we weren’t really built for such extreme pleasures. We were more interested in adventure. A scenic rail journey perhaps, or a fishing trip…”hey, what about fishing Charlie?” And so began the best day of the tour, and possibly of our lives. I called up several fishing charters in the Auckland area to see if at extremely short notice, they could take a couple of eager young comedians out on to the open seas, to catch their dinner. After the first few rejections, I decided to start lying about our fishing experience, in the hope that they would think they weren’t dealing with a couple of dumb tourists (which of course, they were). Eventually, we got directed onto a fellow named Eugene, who wasn’t listed in the yellow pages, or recommended in any of the hotel ‘what to do’ guides…yeah, this was the kind of guy we were after.

I called up Eugene on his mobile, only to discover that he was currently 2 hours north of Auckland taking part in a 4-wheel drive competition….yip, definitely the guy we were after. I asked him if he knew of anyone who could take us out fishing this afternoon. “Yeah” he enthused. “Me.” I then heard the screech of tyres on dusty clay and Eugene yell out “sorry, fellas I’ve got to go.” 2 hours later, myself and Charlie were standing in a disused part of a marina just outside Auckland, awaiting the arrival of the now, almost mythical, Eugene. We were the only people there. We waited and waited. This wasn’t looking good. Then, around the corner chugged an old beat up blue Nissan Sunny pulling a medium sized bright red dinghy. We both looked at each other with a look of pure regret.

The car slowed down and we picked up our bags and reluctantly trudged towards it with all the trepidation of 2 civilians who had just been handed a rifle and asked to get on the next boat leaving for Dunkirk. Then, at the last minute, the Nissan showed remarkable throttle for its appearance and sped past us. Bullet dodged. Our mouths breathed a sigh of relief, followed by an enormous grin as round the same corner followed a 4x4 land cruiser pulling the coolest boat I’ve ever seen with THE EUGENESIS in shark lettering emblazoned on the side of its shiny silver metallic hull. This was our man...

Eugene was one heck of a guy. He was the prototypical adventure man, who without any precautionary questions or safety advice dropped his boat into the water and yelled “hop on fellas!” Out we went into the abyss of the deep sea (well, heavily patrolled Auckland Bay), but still this was going to be special. For the first hour there was little chance to drink the beer and idle chit-chat as one snapper after another nibbled away at our bait almost as quickly as we could drop them down. Our unrelenting early pressure on the ocean finally paid off with our first catch. A beautiful gleaming red and silver snapper. Charlie showed an unsavoury grin of one upmanship, which goaded me into making what turned out to be and extremely unwise bet of dinner to whoever bagged the biggest fish. That market closed less than 20 minutes later, when Charlie reeled in the biggest fish I have ever seen outside of a Discovery Channel special. A snapper measuring 21 inches, even Eugene was impressed.

After that, nothing we pulled out of the ocean was ever going to compare. I caught 2 snapper, but frankly they might as well have been starfish for the derisory look I got from Charlie and Eugene. The next 3 hours were fairly inactive times for our rods, we’d had our window for fishing, and we happy with our catch. So, under the sporadic cameos of the Auckland sun, myself and Charlie, put their rods in their holders, cracked open a bottle of Italian beer and listened intently to Eugene’s tales of bagging giant Marlin, grappling with 25-foot swordfish, and an awkward stand off with a brown shark. As sundown began its beguiling fade to the west of the Auckland city skyline, we headed back to shore, promising not only to do this kind of thing again, but to do it more often. Mick Jigger was wrong. It’s not at drag at all, getting old.

Before New Zealand I was in Montreal (has it really been that long since my last blog?) I did a total of 10 shows at the Gesu Theatre which was handily located just across the street from the hotel where all the comedians were put. This was my 3rd visit to Montreal, and I have to say, the most enjoyable. The shows went really well. I found Canadians to be some of the most enthusiastic crowds I’d ever played to. Highlight of the trip had to be getting to meet my all-time favourite comic and idol, Mr. Billy Connolly. After my last show on the Sunday night, I ran to catch the 2nd half of his show in the main auditorium, and at the end of the show I was lucky enough to be invited backstage to meet the great man himself. I was, of course, a blubbering idiot for most of the 20-minute long exchange, but he was the perfect gentlemen, and profoundly funny. The next day, we happened to be on the same flight back to Scotland, so I drank tea with him in the lounge at Heathrow airport.

It is very rare in this life that you get to meet an idol, who doesn’t at least slightly disappoint in the flesh. I’m pleased to say, Connolly was one of those people. He didn’t have a massive entourage; in fact he had no entourage at all. He was happy to wander through the airport with everybody else, bowing his commanding frame with gratitude to anyone who cheered “alright Billy!” I could have sat and talked to him all day. Having watched some of his show the night before, he showed that he was still as fiery and funny as ever. And off-stage he still showed the same passion and love for stand up. Good on ya’ Billy!

I’m on my way back to the UK as I’m typing this. I stopped briefly in Melbourne for a severely under the weather appearance on Rove (sorry about that, very bad cold), and now I’m headed home at last. I’ll be back in Edinburgh for just 4 days before I head off to India for what could be some very interesting gigs….After that, I will be off to LA for a couple of weeks, perhaps longer. It’s all very exciting. I’m taking an extended break from stand up for a while, to concentrate on writing more. I hope to be back on the road at some point next year with a new show. As I mentioned before, I’m hoping to do a proper tour of Scotland around autumn next year. I might not get back to Australia or New Zealand until 2009, but I’m sure you lot must be sick of the sight of me by now. Thanks again to all the people who have joined me on my stand up odyssey this year. We’ve had some pretty fun times, and I hope there’s plenty more to come...

A Scottish guy I met in Montreal

Inside the beautiful Gesu Theatre, Montreal

All the best,

Danny (August 2007)