For the people, by some people
January 24, 2010Hi Everybody,
It is coming up to the end of January and I have to say that so far 2010 has not lived up to the hype, but to be fair, there is a long way to go. I am back in the United States after a ball-chillingly cold few months back home over Christmas and New Year. It’s been an interesting start to the year. I came back to not 1, but 2 letters threatening legal action against me…ah, this is more like the America I know! The first was from my mobile phone company who I had forgotten to pay before I left. I called them up and explained that I had been out of the country and had only just got the reminder they sent by post. ‘How do we know know you have been out of the country?’ was the curt response. ‘Well,’ I replied ‘why don’t you check my phone bill?’ After seeing a month’s worth of calls made from the UK, they reluctantly admitted that my story held up. There are times in life when people just need to apply a common sense approach. It reminded me of the time I lost my passport in the arrivals at Edmonton airport in Canada. I was directed to the ‘Lost And Found’ department, which I’ve always thought is too many words. Do you think at some time they were separate departments until some bright spark in the ‘Lost’ Department looked over at the ‘Found’ Department and thought ‘we should really discuss a merger?’
Anyway, I went to the ‘Lost And Found’ department in Edmonton airport and said ‘excuse me, I have lost my passport.’ The man searched a shabby cardboard box and pulled out a Chinese passport and said ‘Is this it?’ I said ‘What do you think?’ and he carried on searching. Then, he pulled out my passport and I yelled ‘That’s it!’ What he said then still mystifies me to this day. He said ‘Do you have any ID?’ I looked at him for a long enough time for him to think about what he had just said, then slap himself and say ‘sorry, it’s been a long day.’ and hand me the passport. Instead we just stared at each other until I replied with a bemused ‘es. You’re holding it!’ He retorted ‘How do I know this is your passport?’ Again, I left a bit of time before I replied. ‘Well, why don’t you turn to the photo ID page, and if it’s my face, then I think it’s fair to assume, it’s my passport!’ He opened it up and took a long hard look at the photo. Eyed me up and down suspiciously. Then incredibly picked up the Chinese passport and did the same! Then finally handed me back my passport.
Now, the other cheery legal threat I came back to was from Hertz car rentals. Back in October, I was sitting in an outside cafe one morning enjoying the blissful Californian sunshine and a good book when I heard an almighty crash. I looked across the road to see a large garbage truck slowly backing away from what used to be my Toyota Yaris. The police arrived and that’s when I wished the book I had been reading was ‘What To Do When The Police Arrive? (US Version)’ As I have since found out, I failed to get some vital paperwork which means I am now liable for an accident in which I was the victim! For me, this is just more evidence that Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed immediately. Apparently, the other driver claims he didn’t see my car, which I would have thought was fairly obvious! If I could make just one amendment to the US Constitution on the 6-month anniversary of my time here in the US, I would add a ‘Don’t Be A Dick!’ clause. It would immediately follow the ‘Freedom Of Speech’ Clause. So, it would say ‘Every American has the Right To Freedom Of Speech…but like, Don’t Be A Dick.’ Of course, I would probably have to change the next amendment as well which is ‘The Right To Bear Arms’, otherwise it would be:
1. Every American has the right to freedom of speech
2. Don’t be a dick.
3. Hey, who you calling a dick? Bang!
If you could add just one amendment to the US constitution, what would it be? If I get enough good ones, maybe I’ll include a new draft of the American Constitution in my next blog? For the People. By some people.
Anyway, on to more important stuff. Those of you who are regular visitors to my website or facebook will know that both have recently been bombarded with literature and clips to promote my upcoming Comedy Central Special and accompanying DVD release ‘Subject To Change’. This was a ‘Best Of’ show that was filmed recently specifically for a North American audience, and contains a lot of material from my ‘Live At The Opera House’ DVD. So, if you already have this title (and I am talking mainly to my Australian and New Zealand friends) please do not buy ‘Subject To Change’ unless you want to see me do a similar show in different clothing. In which case, stop being weird. If however, you live elsewhere in the World, and you don’t have ‘Live At The Opera House’, then this is definitely a great DVD to buy. You can pre-order it on Amazon, I believe?
A good few people have asked when I will next be down under. I may do some shows at the end of this year, but more likely I will return to Australia and New Zealand in early 2011 with a brand new show. I’ll let you know if those plans change. I can confirm however, that I will be returning to the Edinburgh Festival this August, and I will hopefully tie that in with some other Scottish and UK dates around the same time. Please check the website every so often for updates. Probably my most exciting news is that I am doing my first solo tour of Canada from April 29-May 16th. The dates should be up on my website by the time you read this. Oh, and I finally got that Letterman slot I’ve been holding out for. It’s scheduled for Friday 12th February. Hopefully, the show will still be on the air by then? I have some other scheduled US dates for February and April on the website including a triumphant return to the commuter paradise of Schaumburg, Illinois which I’m obviously over the moon about! 4 nights? In a room inside a giant shopping mall? Who wouldn’t?
All the best, Danny
